After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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