I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
