I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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