I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
