She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
