the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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