I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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