i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
