at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
How does it feel to date your dad?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
