i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My life is pants optional.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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