Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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