woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
