It's a beautiful day for a hangover
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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