Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
