i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
