Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
