I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
