Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
