mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Randomize
