Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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