You just made me feel so damn special
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm like, not good at living.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
