I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
