I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
