I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
