did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Randomize
