he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
