So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
