is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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