last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
