loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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