Whatcha textin bout Willis?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize