I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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