one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
