8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
