im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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