i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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