if i can run in heels then i can drive
You smell like stripper and shame
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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