it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
