Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
