well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Shame - the story of my life.
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