Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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