Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
