why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
