They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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