he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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