i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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