Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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