You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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