Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
