Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
