Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
