I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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