So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
