I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
