last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
