Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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